diary
fly home

14.01.20 Today was fucking weird. When I left the house for therapy the smoke and air pollution was so bad it looked like fog in the street. I went to get a mask afterwards and everywhere was sold out. While I was at Bunnings I came across 4 other people also looking at the empty respirator shelves, two of which were a young couple my age. We made those weird Millenial jokes that are full of dread (I figured by the time we got to dystopia we'd have more vending machines for these hahaha) before wishing each other well and going on our seperate ways. I appreciate this weird kind of aggressive optimism that I see growing in small corners of whatever our country is becoming, like we're so determined to be a little nicer and kinder because we know that it's unlikely any one of us could bear even a little cruelty from each other right now.

I bought some fabric and lace to start working on my new year's resolution/old-new hobby (and probably spent way too fucking long out in the pollution in the process) and it feels amazing to be excited about something again. I've been so depressed lately it's hard to look forward to anything, but thinking about sewing and wearing all the lolita coords in my head makes me so happy I find myself doing happy flaps without realising it, which is a big deal for me because I have always felt terrified and humiliated about letting my stims run wild. Fuck it, though, the world is ending and I'm done censoring myself. I'm going to flap and spin and wear ridiculous clothes that make me feel like a giant, poofy, genderless lace monster.

I can still barely squeeze into my old Hell Bunny JSK so I'm going to make accessories based around that colourway that can be used with other coords, so at first everything will be mostly black and white, but I plan on expanding into more colourways when I have a handle on things and can make actual clothing. I need to buy a petticoat though, I think making one is a bit beyond me right now, and tulle is friggin expensive!

27.12.19 I survived the Christmas misery period, even though it was difficult. I spent the day at Mouse's orphan Christmas, as has become tradition. Mouse is the closest thing I have to family in Melbourne, and she and the others said they considered me an honorary housemate after my stay there.

As great as it was to have friends to spend Christmas with, it still made me sad to know that it still doesn't fill the hole left by my bio family, and I think that feeling is worse now that I know I do have one or two family members who do make me feel like I belong. I don't know, I've lived my entire adult life with the intention of building a chosen family, but it hasn't really worked out, and I'm not sure why that is. I feel like I'm always going to have this heavy, empty feeling in my chest when I think about families, or holidays you're supposed to spend with them. The other day it occured to me that I wanted to call my dad and see how he was doing and then I remembered he's dead now so that's out of the question. And I can't even really talk to other family about it because everything is so fucking complicated. I really wish I just had a normal famliy who weren't dangerous or manipulative. It's hard to deal with seeing my housemates going to visit their families and stuff without wanting to cry.

Thankfully I have something to do on New Years, there's a secret rave going down somewhere so that'll be cool. I wonder if I'll find someone to have a midnight kiss with?

23.12.19 I got my first tattoo for my birthday two weeks ago and I'm finally getting around to posting pics.

comrade baby angel

Mouse has dubbed him Comrade Baby and I liked it so much I stole it for my Instagram username. I love him so much! The artist did such a fantastic job, it was like she read my mind! I got through the whole thing in one sitting, although now I know to bring snacks because wow it was exhausting. And next time I need to make sure I have enough money to eat well in the days following, I was super exhausted the following couple of days because a mix up with the banks meant I had no money for the whole weekend.

I feel so good about this tattoo, like I've reclaimed a bit of something I'd lost. I have many more plans for tattoos, and I think I like this artist enough to trust her with the Big Special Tattoo Design I've been working on since high school.

I'm feeling more comfortable with using religious imagery for my own expression. I often feel self concious about it, but I've realised that worrying about seeming like an edgelord is holding me back not only in my art, but in processing my trauma. Radical self-acceptance means I need to learn to accept this part of myself too. Maybe all I want is to paint hot anime chicks murdering different depictions of god, whatever. The point is it's honest and that's more important to me than people liking my art or being impressed.

22.12.19 I sat down like 10 hours ago to write a quick blog post about some therapy stuff, and ended up spending that whole time tweaking and twiddling the rest of the site. Even though things have been going really well lately, I've fallen into a bit of an anxiety spiral. My psych has me trying this new thing she calls "routine" like eating and sleeping at the same time every day.

It was easy for like a week before the sudden exhaustion naps attacked. I did manage it though, which is something I haven't been able to do since the Big Breakdown. I can follow some basic scheduling without crumbling into an overwhelmed heap, I can cook for myself most of the time. I'm improving. I always figured "how much could this sort of thing matter?" when it turns out it matters A LOT. I'm going to keep trying and I hope that I can get from now till the end of the month (year) (decade) without going too far off course.

I'm starting to see how the little baby steps can add up to something that feels like a big step. I was afraid I'd never be able to accomplish anything because the basics of taking care of myself were so difficult they left nothing left over afterwards. Our brains are constantly healing themselves. Maybe I will be able to be a functioning person again soon, with goals and ambitions and plans. Of course, given that we have about 5 years before we're unable to grow crops on Earth I'm not sure how helpful it is to be getting better now, especially now that I understand how long dreams can take to come true.

9.12.19 I have serious commitment issues when it comes to internet usernames. And names in real life too, but in a different way. I have always had issues with what one therapist called "identity fracturing" but it wasn't enough to qualify me with a diagnosis of Disassociative Identity Disorder, so I was slapped with the Borderline Personality Disorder label instead. Nowadays I'm starting to wonder if the entire concept of BPD isn't just Complex PTSD since it seems everyone I know has been diagnosed with both of these as well as either ASD, Bipolar Disorder, or ADHD.

Whatever you call it, despite how well my mind has healed over the last decade or so, I still find myself being extremely aware of how I can affect people's image of me, and I think that growing up online has made this even worse. I'm so aware of branding and marketing stuff, of how things "should" look, but trying to keep a consistent aesthetic is just exhausting and stressful because nothing about me is fucking consistant.

I've always admired people who can keep some kind of consistant online alias. A friend of mine even had has forum username, breadinabox, leak over into real life and now everyone just knows him as Bread. How wonderful it must be to be able to go through life and never question your own name.

In old Irish stories, they always warn you never to tell the faerie people your name because they can use it to imprison you. Instead, when asked for your name, you should always some something like "You can call me Ainsel," which is apparently a shortened form of "my own self". I used to think of myself as Nobody. Nobody Jones, who didn't really exist and could be anyone whoever they wanted. Ainsel is like the same energy but inverted. Whatever I am, I am somebody, and I am somebody just because I am. I wonder what my new therapist would have to say about this?

Anyway, I need to pick a url and stick to it so I can apply for webrings and shit. Is it just me or do others struggle with this sort of thing too?